


So Let's Pretend That We Still Exist

by theclosetalker



Category: Gossip Girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-15 02:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4589997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theclosetalker/pseuds/theclosetalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you tell your best friend that you betrayed her? You don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Let's Pretend That We Still Exist

**Author's Note:**

> This was essentially the first GG fic I ever wrote - and GG was all I wrote for a very long time so, even though our relationship had an ugly end, I'll always have a soft spot for the Waldsen of my imagination.

"Say 'cheese,'" Serena angles her phone towards Nate and Blair hugging on the library steps; they look up, smiling at her. "So cute," she says and Blair jumps to her feet, pressing her head close to Serena's to see.  
  
"We look perfect," Blair nods, pleased; she covers Serena's hand with her own and grabs the phone, holding it out for Nate. "Nate, take one of us now." She wraps her arms around Serena and Serena slouches slightly, pressing their cheeks together, and they freeze like that for a moment.  
  
"A definite keeper," Nate grins, turning the phone around to show them; he snaps it shut and hands it back to Serena and then Blair reaches forward, smoothing down the front of Nate's shirt affectionately.  
  
"Serena and I are going shopping."  
  
"That's my cue to get lost," Nate laughs. "I'll call you later," he adds, kissing Blair softly. "Bye, Serena."  
  
"Come on," Blair says, grabbing Serena's hand and pulling her down the street, "I saw a pair of shoes you'd adore."  
  
Shopping for shoes quickly turns into trying on dresses and sweaters and an hour later, Serena drops an armful of clothes onto her chair, next to Blair's more manageable keep pile.  
  
"God," Blair scowls at her reflection in the three-way mirror, "these jeans make me look fat."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Serena's asks, laughing at the absurdity of Blair's statement. "You're gorgeous." Blair exhales petulantly and her eyes meet Serena's in the mirror.  
  
" _You're_ gorgeous. I look hippy."  
  
"Blair," Serena sighs. Insecurity's not something she's ever felt and she could never understand why Blair would experience bouts of it. She puts her hands on Blair's shoulders and turns her around, away from her reflection, until their eyes meet. "You look incredible."  
  
"You have to say that," Blair scoffs softly, "you're my best friend." Serena reaches up and brushes Blair's hair out of her face.  
  
"B?” Serena says it like a question even though she already has Blair’s attention; then she scoffs good-naturedly. “Shut up.” She leans forward, pressing a kiss to Blair’s cheek, dangerously close to her mouth. It’s been a common occurrence lately and Blair can never figure out if it’s intentional or if Serena just has poor aim; she’s not quite sure she wants to know anyway.  
  
/  
  
"Wanna dance?" Serena leans in close. Blair nods eagerly, untangling herself from Nate's embrace, grateful for the interruption because he's drunk and practically slobbering all over her.  
  
She lets Serena drag her out onto the dance floor, through the crush of drunken, sweaty bodies, and then suddenly Blair's looking at long, smooth legs; up an indecently short skirt as Serena smiles from above.  
  
"Come up, B!" she shouts, tugging on Blair's hand, guiding her up onto the chair, pulling until Blair's eye level with her. "I love this song." Serena moves purposefully, hips bumping against Blair's, encouraging her to move.  
  
Blair does, even though she's self-conscious and aware of all the eyes on them, because Serena's nothing if not enabling; and drunk Serena, flushed and happy and handsy, is even more persuasive. They dance together, laughing, and Serena spins her around and presses herself into Blair's back. Her hands find Blair's hips, gripping firmly through the silky dress.  
  
"Everyone's watching us." Serena's breath is hot on Blair's ear.  
  
"Good," Blair smiles tightly, "we all know how much you love that."  
  
"You mean you don't like the way Nate's staring at you right now?" Serena taunts as her hands slide towards Blair's stomach.  
  
"Please," Blair scoffs, pushing Serena's hands back to more decent territory, "don't encourage him, he gets enough of that from Chuck."  
  
/  
  
"What's with the sunglasses?" Blair asks, peering at Serena from beneath her umbrella. "Hungover?" Serena pulls the glasses down the bridge of her nose and her glassy eyes focus on Blair.  
  
"I think I'm still drunk," she says and laughs like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard; Blair rolls her eyes and loops her arm through Serena's, pulling her close until she's shielded from the light rain.  
  
"And here I thought today was going to be boring."  
  
“Boring!” Serena gasps, pretending to be scandalized. “That’s a nasty four-letter-word, Waldorf.”  
  
“Pardon my French,” Blair smirks.  
  
“Let’s ditch,” Serena says suddenly, perching her sunglasses atop her head; her pace quickens, dragging Blair along for the ride, and Blair marvels at how Serena hasn’t tripped or gotten run over by a cab yet.  
  
“How about not?” Blair shoots back dryly; if they skipped classes every time Serena had a whim to, they’d still be in fourth grade.  
  
“You’re no fun,” Serena pouts but lets Blair steer her west towards school.  
  
“You were singing a different tune last night, van der Woodsen.”  
  
/  
  
Serena rolls over and extends her hand, seeking warmth; she's met by a cool expanse of sheets and sits up, squinting through the darkness.  
  
"Blair?"  
  
Blair's standing across the room, staring out the window, arms circled protectively around herself. When she doesn't answer, Serena crawls out of the bed, pulling the blanket with her; draping it around her shoulders as she makes her way towards the window. She stands behind Blair for a few moments before lightly touching Blair's shoulder.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"I overheard them last night, Serena," Blair says absently. "My parents."  
  
"They were fighting again?" Serena asks and when Blair nods, she sighs. "B, I'm sorry." She wraps her arms around Blair from behind, using the blanket to cover them both, and rests her chin against Blair's shoulder. "Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"And say what, Serena?" Blair chuckles mirthlessly. "Mom and dad are fighting again, can I sleep over?"  
  
"Yes," Blair feels Serena nodding, "exactly that."  
  
"I've been sleeping over here all the time lately," Blair says and angles her head so she can look at Serena. "It's not too much?"  
  
"It's a horrible imposition. And you hog the covers," Serena deadpans and Blair can't help laughing. "You know I love having you here, B," she squeezes Blair reassuringly and it earns her a genuine smile.  
  
"Thanks, S."  
  
"Don't thank me," Serena says lightly, "come back to bed; it's _freezing_!"  
  
/  
  
Hours after the annual Waldorf summer soiree, Blair and Serena are sharing a lounge chair on the back deck; they pass a bottle of champagne back and forth, watching hundreds of white lights shimmer in the pool's reflection.  
  
Serena tips her head back, letting the last of the alcohol drip into her mouth.  
  
"We're out of champagne," she says.  
  
"Pity," Blair comments lightly, mindlessly twirling a few loose strands of Serena's hair around her index finger. Without warning, Serena scoots forward and stands; Blair sinks into the spot left by her sudden absence and looks up at her, mildly irritated. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Up for a swim, B?" Serena responds, already sliding her arms out of the sleeves of her dress.  
  
"We don't have our bathing suits on," Blair reminds her, even though it's pointless because Serena's already down to her underwear and a bold smile.  
  
"So what?" she shrugs. "We're alone." She dives gracefully into the water and Blair, not one to be outdone, starts to strip. She jumps in, swimming out to the middle where Serena's floating on her back, and sends a wave in her direction.  
  
"Oh, nice, Waldorf," Serena sputters when she comes up for air; she can't help laughing because Blair's laughing too and that happens all too rarely lately. She splashes Blair back and an all-out water war erupts between them; drenched and out of breath, they call a truce.  
  
Blair lifts herself up onto the edge of the pool and wraps a towel around her shoulders. Her feet slowly kick in the water and she watches as Serena swims up to her, grabbing hold of Blair's knees to keep herself afloat.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Serena asks; when Blair lifts a brow curiously, Serena smiles, "I know that face."  
  
"Why does everything have to be so messed up?" Blair asks and exhales forcefully. "Why can't things just be simple?"  
  
"Like when we were kids, right?" Serena offers. “When everything could be solved with ice cream.”  
  
“And chocolate,” Blair supplies with a slight grin; Serena chuckles and then idly rubs Blair’s knees, all of a sudden thoughtful.  
  
“I’m always here for you, B.”  
  
“Promise?” Blair asks and Serena nods solemnly. She presses down on Blair’s knees, propelling herself upwards until her mouth meets Blair’s – fully, for the first time. It’s chaste and all too brief, but it makes Blair’s mind go fuzzy in a way kissing Nate never has.  
  
“Promise,” Serena echoes a moment later.  
  
/  
  
Serena's scavenging for her shoes when she hears her phone ringing; she grabs it off her bed, instantly smiling when she sees Blair's name on the screen.  
  
"Hey, B," Serena says, pressing it against her ear, "I'm just on my way down. I'm looking for my black heels, you know the Cavallis from last week…"  
  
"Did you check behind the chaise?" Blair asks, amused; she hears some rustling and borderline obscene grunting before a triumphant:  
  
"Ah-ha! Thanks, B," Serena grins. "You already there? I'm leaving now, I swear."  
  
"Um." She hears Blair take a deep breath and then, "don't hate me."  
  
"You know that's not possible," Serena chuckles lightly; she sits down on the edge of the bed and her face sobers. "What is it?"  
  
"I can't make it tonight."  
  
"Oh, okay," Serena says, unable to hide her disappointment; brightening a little, she adds, "well, we're still on for tomorrow, right?"  
  
"Or tomorrow," she cringes, feeling thoroughly guilty. "I promised my dad we'd hang out together. We're spending a couple days in the country."  
  
"Sounds fun," Serena says dryly.  
  
"S," Blair huffs, somewhere between amusement and frustration.  
  
"I was kidding, B," Serena assures her. "I know how close you and your dad are. We'll have other weekends."  
  
"Many," Blair agrees happily.  
  
"But B," Serena groans dramatically, "it's gonna be so boring without you."  
  
"I know," Blair says, "I'm sorry. But at least Nate will be there."  
  
"Yeah," Serena agrees unsurely. "Nate. And Chuck, fun."  
  
"I'll make it up to you," Blair promises. "Love you, S."  
  
"Love you, too, B."  
  
/  
  
"This was a mistake," Serena says, gathering her dress against her body; she swoops down to pick up her shoes, wobbling unsteadily, and grips the bar for support.  
  
"A mistake?" Nate laughs incredulously, buttoning up his pants; it's suddenly becoming all too real and Serena wants to throw up. "Serena, it was - "  
  
"Nate," she cuts him off harshly. "we're drunk."  
  
"So what?" Nate shrugs. "Liquid courage." He stands, reaching out to help balance Serena as she slips her heels back on. "It doesn't change that we both wanted it."  
  
"I don't know what I wanted."  
  
"I do," Nate says, not letting her go even when she tries to tug away. "I want - "  
  
"Nate," Serena interrupts, a wave of panic hitting her; her eyes meet his desperately, "you're with Blair. I'm her best friend."  
  
"So? We - "  
  
"She can't ever find out about this." She looks at him, waiting for him to acknowledge her words, and when he doesn't, she prompts impatiently. "Promise me."  
  
"Okay," Nate frowns, defeated.  
  
/  
  
Serena hears Blair’s heels snapping against the concrete before she sees her; she concentrates harder on the book in her lap, staring until the words start to blur.  
  
"I called," Blair says, "but you didn't answer."  
  
"Yeah, I know," Serena nods, closing her book and setting it down beside her. "I just wanted some quiet.”  
  
"I've _been_ calling."  
  
"Sorry," Serena apologizes, standing because it’s suddenly impossible to sit still. She tries not to look at Blair for too long and tries even harder not to seem nervous around her.  
  
"I miss you," Blair says and Serena forces out a laugh.  
  
"You see me every day."  
  
"You know what I mean," Blair sighs; she reaches for Serena's hands, lacing their fingers together. "I've been so wrapped up in everything going on at home. I miss our shopping sprees and movie nights and this." This, Blair illustrates, rising up on her tiptoes and gently pressing her mouth to Serena's. When she doesn't get the enthusiastic response she's expecting, she leans back. "What is it?"  
  
"It's nothing," Serena shakes her head; it's nothing she can say to Blair and still have Blair look at her the same way she is now, so she kisses her again and again and hopes the bitter taste in her mouth will go away.  
  
"I'm not stupid, Serena," Blair says suddenly after she pulls away. "I know you're trying to distract me." She wipes her mouth on the back of her hand, waiting for her body to stop trembling the way it does whenever Serena is that close to her. "And I know you're avoiding me because of Nate." She says it so matter-of-factly that Serena flinches and she hopes Blair doesn't notice; hopes she doesn't look as guilty as she feels.  
  
"What?" is all she can say and Blair's expression, accusatory and wounded only moments before, turns softer.  
  
"It's not your fault he has a crush on you," Blair tells her, reaching up to toy with the collar of Serena's blouse. "Everyone at school does," she waits a beat, then adds wryly, "teachers included."  
  
"You too?" Serena asks lightly. It's times like these, when Blair is in a teasing, flippant mood, that it’s so easy to sink into denial; so easy to pretend she’s not capable of hurting Blair because of the way she makes Blair smile, broad and genuine. Blair’s wearing that smile when she says:  
  
“Nope.”  
  
/  
  
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Serena's lost track of how many times her mother's asked that question.  
  
"I'm sure," she nods. "I need to clear my head. I can't do that here."  
  
"What about Blair?" Lily asks. "What does she think about this?"  
  
"Blair has a lot on her mind right now," is all Serena ever says about it.  
  
/  
  
After half a dozen voicemail messages that borderline on pathetic, Blair decides to take another approach and dials a number she's vaguely impressed she still remembers.  
  
"Hi, Mrs. van der Woodsen," she smiles out of habit.  
  
"Blair," Lily greets her warmly. "Is something the matter?"  
  
"No," Blair shakes her head, "I wanted to talk to Serena; she's not answering her cell."  
  
"Serena's hard to reach these days," Lily tells her. "Reception is horrible. You should try her dorm directly - do you have the number?"  
  
"Her dorm?"  
  
"At the school." Met with silence, Lily asks, "didn't Serena tell you that she moved to Connecticut?"  
  
"She - oh, absolutely, she did," Blair laughs and hates how strained it sounds.  
  
"Let me give you all that information now," Lily says and Blair goes through the motions of writing down the address and phone number; she hastily says goodbye and, after a moment's hesitation, crumples the page neatly in her hand. She can’t bring herself to throw it away.  
  
/  
  
"Did you see what's on Gossip Girl?" Blair vaguely registers hearing from behind; Isabel and Kati are dutifully trailing her, heads together as they gawk at the latest dish on Isabel's Sidekick. Disinterested, Blair ignores them and slips into her jacket; heads for front doors, grateful for not being followed, for once.  
  
"Blair," Kati calls out, "have you heard from Serena?" It's enough to make Blair stop in her tracks; with a vicious smile already in place, she turns on her heel and regards Isabel and Kati coolly.  
  
"Of course I have."  
  
/  
  
Blair’s alone. She can recall only a handful of times this has occurred before, and even then, it was short-lived, because everyone always came back to her. She doesn’t think anyone is coming back this time.  
  
Her dad’s with his model boyfriend; Nate’s perpetually stoned and otherwise preoccupied; her mother, not that she counts as adequate company, is at the country house recovering from lipo and a nose job; and Serena’s off at boarding school and seemingly avoiding her calls.  
  
She wants to be angry with Serena for abandoning her. It’s selfish and weak and just plain inexplicable because they’re best friends, but she has no one else. She can’t talk to Is or Kati or, God forbid, her mother, not while she’s doped up on Percocet, or any other time. All she has is Serena; a few pictures and a left-behind sweater that still smells like her and these emotions twisting inside of her.  
  
_Dear Serena,  
  
My world is falling apart…_


End file.
